SOME .

"These days, it feels like you’re mine, it seems like you’re mine but not, it feels like I’m yours, it seems like I’m yours but not, What are we? I’m confused, don’t be aloof"

This is going to be a really personal post of mine which I felt I needed an outlet to express it out. I haven't told anyone about my true feelings, nor I felt ready to say anything yet. I don't have the courage to face it. But the feelings and thoughts have always been on my mind a lot.

Recently, I met someone who has made my heart flutter in a very long time. I haven't felt this way in a long long time. It felt strange, as I definitely shouldn't be feeling this way, but at the same time it felt so right and I really liked this warm fuzzy feeling.

Someone constantly asking if you have ate, someone constantly asking about your plans for the day, someone who's always there for you to talk to, someone who's always telling me nice things and making me feel good. It was nice at the start, I felt really blessed and thankful. We started off as friends then our relationship took a turn to be something like love.

All these while I know it's not right, but you make me feel safe and that it's okay to continue putting my feelings for you. Did I really fall for you? I didn't - at first, but slowly, I'm not sure but I think I really did start falling for you. Subconsciously.

We both know it's not right, but we both still do it. I wanted to stop this feeling but after that faithful day where everything fell into place, and we were somehow certain of our feelings for each other. I cannot stop this feeling. You're constantly on my mind, I'm always thinking of you, wanting to talk to you. When we are apart, I cannot wait to see you again, going back into your embrace and your care. Your touches make me feel loved and I know that it's not supposed to be like this.

Weeks turn into months and it felt like we're in a "Some". It feels like we are together, but we are not. I want to continue to be loved and keep loving but I really cannot do this. It is definitely not right. I end up feeling that I’ll never be enough for you to love me. And you unconsciously hurt me too.

At the start, you were always there for me. Slowly with time, you became busier. Not sure if the feelings are slowly starting to fade. You stopped replying as quickly and you stopped saying things which made my heart flutter. Maybe you too, realised that it wasn't right and you should not be doing this.

"I couldn’t keep emotionally investing in someone who couldn’t reciprocate everything I felt. I couldn’t keep going to bed wondering if I was enough and what more could I do."

But you kept giving me hopes and doing things which make me feel there was something. It made me fall deeper and deeper in. Then sometimes you do things which somehow hurt me. Maybe because I thought too much, and my own thinking hurt myself too, in the process.

I wanted to take a break from this, so I, for a period of time,  did really start to give colder replies to you. Took my time to reply you, and reducing the amounts of emojis and exclamations to you. You didn't ask me anything but I hoped you felt that. I avoid you because I'm afraid of falling for you. But you keep on showering me with love and doing things for me which made me really guilty of wanting to avoid you. I felt bad and I just cannot escape from this feeling anymore. You told me you realized that I'm behaving more indifferent to you and you felt a bit disappointed by it. I really want to tell you.

We both know there will be no outcome to this "Some". We know that the end will be here someday, you said to cherish the present, but I'm fearful of the end. I need to stop myself from falling in too deep because when separation comes, I don't think I am able to handle it well. I want to end this quickly but I don't want us to be as strangers. I wished I had the courage to tell you, but I'm still fighting myself each day, telling myself that everything will be okay and this too shall pass. But you continue to keep letting me feel otherwise, making me feel loved and cared for.

I wished it was simple. But it's really a "Some" which is not right. And will never have any outcome to this.