NEEDLESS ANXIETY .

Trying to take things in stride is not easy, especially when it unpleasant things about yourself which you try to see it in a positive way but eventually pulls you down to an unknown space. I have always told myself, especially the start of this year, to try to be a bigger person, a better human, to improve myself and the way I feel towards others, being more empathic and step outside of my own comfort zone to take everything that comes as a learning point.

To be honest, I've always been having the mindset to do things in ways which can satisfy others or to make others feel comfortable around me - perhaps you can say that I'm "living for others". I always thought this would be the way to continue relationships with others but little did I know, this was a very toxic mindset to have. To absorb the mindsets of others and to digest and imitate such actions as a part of myself to satisfy others, I was naive to think of interpersonal relationships as something so easily forged. As such, along the way I have hurt people in the name of jokes, in the name of trying to lighten the atmosphere, or just trying to be funny with a "savage" persona. I'm still learning, to be tactful and to find a right balance and not everything is just about  making it a joke or something to laugh about. 

I get too close in comfort with others not knowing what others actually think of me - and I will probably never get to know as I continue to portray a side of me to give a good impression to others (don't we all) or to just be my honest self to people whom I thought I was close to.

To hear from someone that you're being fake in a way that your actions are suspicious and  not trustworthy makes me think - what exactly caused that impression to happen? Of course, I respect that everyone has different views of others and that everyone is obliged to form their own opinions of other people but I truly just want to know what went wrong, and more importantly, how can I be a better person from this ordeal.

Feeling apologetic and regretful may sound just like excuses now but I just truly want to learn from this experience and to become a better person.