WAS IT GASLIGHTING ?

"Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment."

Just having random chats with a friend and suddenly got reminded of the past, where it all came back to me. Was I a victim of your tactics? Now that I think about it, it really did seem like gaslighting, and indeed I was emotionally manipulated - just that I wasn't really sure back then about the right terms for it, but I knew I felt used. Those times where you told me not to do something or not to believe in something just because of your own guts and own ideas, and to the extent of guilt tripping me or pulling the cold war card - all just to make me satisfy your own wishes and desires. It was really frustrating for me back then, trying so hard to satisfy you. How I was, really a fool. 

Probably it was the blindness which made me not see all the red flags, but it was really clear towards the end, when I was about to slowly giving up all sorts of thoughts and feelings. It is really indeed when I was conscious that I will see through the many times which you tried to make use of my kindness and tolerance for you, knowing that I still see you in such a light.  

Actually there is no point bringing all these up now and trying to seek comfort from it because it has past. Over the past few years (over the past year especially), I would say that I'm doing very well in leaving those thoughts behind, though occasionally I would think of the many "what ifs". I really thought everything we had was real, genuine and it was all just natural arguments which people have, but I guess not? 

Honestly there were many times I wanted to ask the truth - did you really mean everything you said to me. But there was alot of fear. I was afraid, I was in denial - even up till now, I did not get a proper closure. But I guess it's for the better because at least I have the good memories to reminisce on. I do still just want to keep the beautiful memories of that time, so I will only remember the good, and learn from the bad. 

Perhaps one day, the truth will prevail. Hopefully, that would be a truth and not another one of your many tactics and lies.