2023 IN WORDS .

Another year just went past like that, and growing another year older. Honestly, I don’t feel it - growing another year older maybe just feeling the physical strain on the body but mindset wise I would probably say I still don’t feel that much of a difference (yet). Perhaps with the fact that I finally graduated this year (a milestone worth celebrating this year!!), so I’m still in the “student” headspace, even though I sort of found a job, but it’s a contract job within my school (can never leave NTU for now I guess).

This year has been a year of transitions. From being a full time undergraduate to being a graduate like it’s been honestly overwhelming with everything happening in a flash. Upon graduation, I too had about a month of break to myself, but thankfully keeping myself busy with dreamingmarket during that period so I feel like I was actually doing something, and then a job opportunity arrived within a day which I had to report to work immediately the next day after the interview! It was honestly a blessing to be able to find a job that I don’t mind doing (even though its not the industry that I would see myself in the long run), but still very thankful for the opportunity to be able to still work with children and have fun along the way. The transition to working life is rather abrupt yet manageable, thankfully it’s something I could see myself doing so it went well. 

2022 IN WORDS .

 

Another year, another yearly reflection post. This year felt like it went by in a breeze - felt too fast to process everything and it's already the year end. Looking back, most part of this year was trying to explore and try new experiences with regards to personal interests and career options, while juggling the final few semesters of school.

At the start of 2022, I wrote in my reflection journal (gifted by Kristen) that I have 4 main visions/goals for the year - I wanted to find a summer internship that's preferably in the children/youth social work domain, I wanted to launch my own brand, I wanted to enjoy my final schooling semesters and lastly, I wanted to stay happy and healthy. Right now, I felt that I have managed the year well, being able to do and achieve the things I set out to do at the start of the year - it's just a relieving feeling knowing you have lived the year well. 

Finding a summer internship was quite challenging at the start, but I'm glad that I had this opportunity to actually do something I like. The job scope is really what I want to, and like to do in the future, though the environment might not be the best for a career in the long run. Hopefully I would be able to make use of this valuable opportunity and tap on the expertise learnt for my future endeavors - which reminds me that it's about time to start finding a job since I'm about to graduate in a few month's time. 

JB TRIP' 2022 .

Finally got a chance to travel post-pandemic!! Although it was only a 2D1N short trip to JB, I was rather excited because I haven't really got to explore much of JB + getting to travel with my friends of 10 years+ so it was something worth looking forward to! 

We planned to enter JB on a Sunday and return on Monday, hoping that there would be lesser people at the customs because it's a weekday but no - our return trip took us close to 2 hours to clear both customs. Thankfully, when we entered, the queue was super short and took us only 30 minutes to clear - we entered JB around 9.15am and since it was super early, the malls were not even opened yet so there was literally a whole crowd of people waiting about 20 minutes for the malls to be opened. 

First stop we headed for some shopping at City Square and Komtar until lunchtime where we wanted to do some cafe hopping around the area - we wanted to eat at Flowers in the Window but it was full house and had a queue so we decided to eat opposite at The Replacement instead - which honestly, the food was quite meh, cafe standard. 

2021 IN WORDS .

Another year has past, and it's time for the yearly reflection post again. I haven't been posting a lot this year but this yearly reflection is something I have to do every year - it's like a wrap to the year to lookback on the things I have done and grown as a person and it's always nice to celebrate the little successes or reflect on the down sides. 

This year, the pandemic situation still persisted, with vaccinations, new variants and all - somehow getting used to mask wearing but it seemed like everyone is probably just tired of the everchanging measures and pandemic situation. Here's to hoping that a well-controlled and safe endemic situation will be feasible in the coming year. 

Looking back, most part of the year is trying to survive in university, with the never ending deadlines while getting used to a hybrid learning environments on both online and offline platforms. Honestly, because of the online learning, the semester felt especially short and months seemed to pass by like a week. I would say 2021 seemed to have past by in a flash, spending most of my time at home. 

NEEDLESS ANXIETY .

Trying to take things in stride is not easy, especially when it unpleasant things about yourself which you try to see it in a positive way but eventually pulls you down to an unknown space. I have always told myself, especially the start of this year, to try to be a bigger person, a better human, to improve myself and the way I feel towards others, being more empathic and step outside of my own comfort zone to take everything that comes as a learning point.

To be honest, I've always been having the mindset to do things in ways which can satisfy others or to make others feel comfortable around me - perhaps you can say that I'm "living for others". I always thought this would be the way to continue relationships with others but little did I know, this was a very toxic mindset to have. To absorb the mindsets of others and to digest and imitate such actions as a part of myself to satisfy others, I was naive to think of interpersonal relationships as something so easily forged. As such, along the way I have hurt people in the name of jokes, in the name of trying to lighten the atmosphere, or just trying to be funny with a "savage" persona. I'm still learning, to be tactful and to find a right balance and not everything is just about  making it a joke or something to laugh about. 

I get too close in comfort with others not knowing what others actually think of me - and I will probably never get to know as I continue to portray a side of me to give a good impression to others (don't we all) or to just be my honest self to people whom I thought I was close to.

To hear from someone that you're being fake in a way that your actions are suspicious and  not trustworthy makes me think - what exactly caused that impression to happen? Of course, I respect that everyone has different views of others and that everyone is obliged to form their own opinions of other people but I truly just want to know what went wrong, and more importantly, how can I be a better person from this ordeal.

Feeling apologetic and regretful may sound just like excuses now but I just truly want to learn from this experience and to become a better person.

WAS IT GASLIGHTING ?

"Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment."

Just having random chats with a friend and suddenly got reminded of the past, where it all came back to me. Was I a victim of your tactics? Now that I think about it, it really did seem like gaslighting, and indeed I was emotionally manipulated - just that I wasn't really sure back then about the right terms for it, but I knew I felt used. Those times where you told me not to do something or not to believe in something just because of your own guts and own ideas, and to the extent of guilt tripping me or pulling the cold war card - all just to make me satisfy your own wishes and desires. It was really frustrating for me back then, trying so hard to satisfy you. How I was, really a fool. 

Probably it was the blindness which made me not see all the red flags, but it was really clear towards the end, when I was about to slowly giving up all sorts of thoughts and feelings. It is really indeed when I was conscious that I will see through the many times which you tried to make use of my kindness and tolerance for you, knowing that I still see you in such a light.