#1: 13 January, 2019
Never felt this way before. Had some hope, then it gets dashed. You've changed, but I'm still hanging on, don't know for what. A part of me tells me this is a time for me to give up and move on, which was what I want to do. But a part of me still can't bear to leave it all behind. I still want to be here, I cannot bear to leave.
I hate it when you suddenly became more hostile and cold to me, suddenly becoming less loving in your messages and actions. It seems as though you are avoiding me. It's something I should be grateful for, but why am I feeling unbearable? I want you to show me more care and attention, but at the same time, I don't want to fall deeper into this endless pit.
Though things are not the same as before, would it be even more awkward if I made the brave move of leaving? Will it still be the same? I don't even know anymore... it's a dilemma.
#2: 22nd January 2019
You make my mind in a whirl. You treat me as transparent at first but then slowly suddenly reciprocate some of my actions. I have been really bold in my actions, trying not to lose you that quickly. You have not been reciprocating and it really shows.
I don't know if it is really because the feelings has faded or someone else is in the picture. I really want to know what happened but I don't dare to ask because of the fear of making things awkward, but its even more painful to be like this.
#3: 29th January 2019
Today, out of the blue, you were angry at me for excessive skinship with other people. I thought you were probably just playing and joking, but then it again, seemed like you were serious. You even talked about just being "normal friends" now for a few days and that I should "sort my feelings" out.
I'm just as confused. I feel like this is just an opportunity for you to get rid of me. Should I just stop hanging on? There's this weird feeling in the heart. Is it heart ache?
All I know is that, you still place an important place in my heart somehow.
#4: 4th February 2019
We finally talked it out. Somehow. From your point of view, I wasn't serious about the relationship and you wanted a break. You don't know how serious I was into this and you don't know how much hardships I went through with myself, having so much dilemmas to think about all the time.
Was it really me? Or was it you who changed your attitude to me for the past few weeks and then using this opportunity to have a clean break with me? I don't like it. I don't think I did anything wrong and I don't want us to end because of your supposed reason of me letting you down when I don't think I did anything wrong at all. I will not let this end.
You have yet to hear my real feelings.
#5: 17th February 2019
These 2 weeks felt like a month to me. You were constantly busy and we hardly even text each other at all. Some days you didn't even reply my messages at all. I guess they were right. You're slowly burning this bridge.
But when you reply, you act though nothing has happened, it really makes me confused. Are you mad at me? Are you happy to talk to me? I don't know anymore.
#6: 2nd March 2019
Even when you're back, you seemed so cold and different towards me. Not say entirely avoiding me, but I could feel the distance between us now. Does this mean the end is near? I really hope I'm just overthinking but I guess it's true.
You no longer reply me as much, no longer reply with such sweetness you had before and your replies are so cold and emotionless now. Avoiding my touches, and even to the extent of deleting my messages even before you read them. I really see where you are coming from now.
I don't know what I should do and how should I deal.
All I have to say is, I miss you, I'm sorry and I loved you.
#7: 14th March 2019
Just when things are getting better, I just had to ruin everything. Fuck.
Over the past few days, I became bolder in expressing how I felt. Think it was helping the situation a bit more because I do feel the small actions coming back. I was happy abit.
Until I ruined it myself. Should've taken you seriously when you said you'll stop talking to me if I don't do what you tell me to. Fuck. But then thinking, why am I the only one offering so much? Why am I the only one putting in so much effort? Why am I doing so much?
There are times when I actually thought to myself, is it worth it? Will my feelings ever be reciprocated again? Or has it already been an one-sided thing.
#8: 26th April 2019
Been a month plus since I last added a new anecdote. I don't know what I am doing with all these anecdotes but I guess it's just a collection of this complicated love story. I just want to say that the past few weeks has been really nice to me.
Your attitude towards me became better, but it is still different from what we were previously. I can't complain, because I should cherish these final moments... I don't know what you truly feel but I hope my efforts were reciprocated.
It still hurts me time to time to see how much we have changed but if you're comfortable with it now, I should be more than willing to accept how things are now. If there is ever a day you realise that I'm still in your heart, I hope I will be able to hear it personally from you.
#9: 6th May 2019
I love the fact that we are closer.
I love it that you are showing care and concern for me again.
Though you keep hurting me, I love it when you show care and affection for me.
Kinda crazy but is this what it's like to keep holding onto something that hurts you?
#10: 9th June 2019
Been more than a month since I came in here to talk about my feelings and thoughts but this time I came in with another feeling. A feeling whereby I have accepted things would not go back to the same, and things will never be the same.
I am still slowly coming to terms that things will never be the same and as much as I don't want to admit it, it is true. Perhaps I should just stop trying and move on quickly, perhaps it will be less painful for me when it's time to separate. But another side of me is still thinking of spending as much time as possible together because the end is nearing and I should just cherish the moment as much as I can.
But it doesn't work if it's only just coming from me and only I'm the one making all the efforts. It just seems that I don't really matter to you as much now so you're okay even without me, but here I am, trying hard too, to learn to live without you.
It's hard, but I'm trying, with a conflicting mind inside of me.
#11: 6th July 2019
At last, my time is up. It's probably the end. or is it?
I'm more than thankful for the way you treat me in the last few weeks, trying to make me feel alot better and alot more "loved". I'm not even sure if the feelings are mutual or it's just me overthinking again? Perhaps you're just trying to make my last few weeks happier.
The little actions you do, the little gestures you do, the initiations you have. I remember.
Sometimes you do things that I don't agree with, but you still go ahead anyway. Who am I to even stop you right. I also thought to myself that since it's nearing the end, I shouldn't make things so sour between us and let the final moments be filled with only happy memories that I will remember for a long time.
Though it's not like the past, I could still feel your sincerity, and I'm thankful for it. Thank you for being a huge part of my life.
#12: 1st Sep 2019
Fast forward 2 months later - things are pretty much the same these days. It feels like we're just good friends and our relationship is that of like old friends. I'm just thankful for the fact that you're willing to even to continue to meet me regularly for meals and to catch up with me.
Every time I look at you, I get reminded of the past. But I keep telling myself that it's over. I have to move on from that stage and to treat you as just a really good friend. There's alot I want to say, but I guess it's just better this way.
Beyond the awkwardness, I just have alot in mind, alot of things I know but I rather not say, for the fear of ruining this friendship between us. Slowly moving on, and slowly standing up. Thank you for teaching me alot more about life.
Guess this is the end for this journal? Or not.
#13: 24th Sep 2019
I decided to take the first move. The first move in letting go.
It's not easy to let go, it was never easy. It's painful to remember the memories we shared, the times we spent together and the love we had (?) for each other. What seemed to be forever turned out to be something temporary. It was a pain which we knew would eventually come, the end will be here. But I'm just glad that I'm much more willing to accept this loss, because I keep telling myself that I deserve better. Something which keeps bringing me back is the question of whether our love was real. Did you really love me? Or was I just used as a tool?
I was inclined to think that I was just a tool, so I can quickly let things go and move on. But it wasn't. The love we had was real and I didn't know but I was trapped so deeply in it. The kisses we shared, the touches we had, the cuddles we had. Apart from physical affection, mental affections of loving each other and having to text each other everyday and with good morning and good night messages. I vividly remember that one time I just fell asleep and you were spamming me with messages saying you should have made time for me and that showed your sincerity to me. I like it when you acknowledged "us" infront of other, and I like it when you say sweet sayings to me.
But alas, all these were a temporary happiness, which I felt I should have learnt to cherish better. I hate how we are like this now, being awkward and not mentioning the past at all. Look at us now and compare to the past. We have changed. Maybe all I need is a proper closure?
#10: 9th June 2019
Been more than a month since I came in here to talk about my feelings and thoughts but this time I came in with another feeling. A feeling whereby I have accepted things would not go back to the same, and things will never be the same.
I am still slowly coming to terms that things will never be the same and as much as I don't want to admit it, it is true. Perhaps I should just stop trying and move on quickly, perhaps it will be less painful for me when it's time to separate. But another side of me is still thinking of spending as much time as possible together because the end is nearing and I should just cherish the moment as much as I can.
But it doesn't work if it's only just coming from me and only I'm the one making all the efforts. It just seems that I don't really matter to you as much now so you're okay even without me, but here I am, trying hard too, to learn to live without you.
It's hard, but I'm trying, with a conflicting mind inside of me.
#11: 6th July 2019
At last, my time is up. It's probably the end. or is it?
I'm more than thankful for the way you treat me in the last few weeks, trying to make me feel alot better and alot more "loved". I'm not even sure if the feelings are mutual or it's just me overthinking again? Perhaps you're just trying to make my last few weeks happier.
The little actions you do, the little gestures you do, the initiations you have. I remember.
Sometimes you do things that I don't agree with, but you still go ahead anyway. Who am I to even stop you right. I also thought to myself that since it's nearing the end, I shouldn't make things so sour between us and let the final moments be filled with only happy memories that I will remember for a long time.
Though it's not like the past, I could still feel your sincerity, and I'm thankful for it. Thank you for being a huge part of my life.
#12: 1st Sep 2019
Fast forward 2 months later - things are pretty much the same these days. It feels like we're just good friends and our relationship is that of like old friends. I'm just thankful for the fact that you're willing to even to continue to meet me regularly for meals and to catch up with me.
Every time I look at you, I get reminded of the past. But I keep telling myself that it's over. I have to move on from that stage and to treat you as just a really good friend. There's alot I want to say, but I guess it's just better this way.
Beyond the awkwardness, I just have alot in mind, alot of things I know but I rather not say, for the fear of ruining this friendship between us. Slowly moving on, and slowly standing up. Thank you for teaching me alot more about life.
Guess this is the end for this journal? Or not.
#13: 24th Sep 2019
I decided to take the first move. The first move in letting go.
It's not easy to let go, it was never easy. It's painful to remember the memories we shared, the times we spent together and the love we had (?) for each other. What seemed to be forever turned out to be something temporary. It was a pain which we knew would eventually come, the end will be here. But I'm just glad that I'm much more willing to accept this loss, because I keep telling myself that I deserve better. Something which keeps bringing me back is the question of whether our love was real. Did you really love me? Or was I just used as a tool?
I was inclined to think that I was just a tool, so I can quickly let things go and move on. But it wasn't. The love we had was real and I didn't know but I was trapped so deeply in it. The kisses we shared, the touches we had, the cuddles we had. Apart from physical affection, mental affections of loving each other and having to text each other everyday and with good morning and good night messages. I vividly remember that one time I just fell asleep and you were spamming me with messages saying you should have made time for me and that showed your sincerity to me. I like it when you acknowledged "us" infront of other, and I like it when you say sweet sayings to me.
But alas, all these were a temporary happiness, which I felt I should have learnt to cherish better. I hate how we are like this now, being awkward and not mentioning the past at all. Look at us now and compare to the past. We have changed. Maybe all I need is a proper closure?
#14: 4th April 2021
Before the day ends, a sincere birthday wish for a special someone. It was a friendship that I cherished and adored, but I guess things got complicated somehow and we both avoided confronting ourselves about it. But I just want to say that I would be lying if I say I don't miss the good old times we spent together. But it gets tiring after a while to go back to the past. Perhaps it's time to put it all behind so we can be at peace with ourselves. I'm sorry and thank you for everything.
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