WAS IT GASLIGHTING ?

"Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment."

Just having random chats with a friend and suddenly got reminded of the past, where it all came back to me. Was I a victim of your tactics? Now that I think about it, it really did seem like gaslighting, and indeed I was emotionally manipulated - just that I wasn't really sure back then about the right terms for it, but I knew I felt used. Those times where you told me not to do something or not to believe in something just because of your own guts and own ideas, and to the extent of guilt tripping me or pulling the cold war card - all just to make me satisfy your own wishes and desires. It was really frustrating for me back then, trying so hard to satisfy you. How I was, really a fool. 

Probably it was the blindness which made me not see all the red flags, but it was really clear towards the end, when I was about to slowly giving up all sorts of thoughts and feelings. It is really indeed when I was conscious that I will see through the many times which you tried to make use of my kindness and tolerance for you, knowing that I still see you in such a light.  

HESITATION JOURNAL .

The following are short anecdotes of my feelings for a period of time which I felt very lost. A period of time when I felt love and a period of time where I am confused, by love. Not sure if this post will be released anytime soon or never, but these are little learning points for me to grow as a better person.

#1: 13 January, 2019
Never felt this way before. Had some hope, then it gets dashed. You've changed, but I'm still hanging on, don't know for what. A part of me tells me this is a time for me to give up and move on, which was what I want to do. But a part of me still can't bear to leave it all behind. I still want to be here, I cannot bear to leave.

I hate it when you suddenly became more hostile and cold to me, suddenly becoming less loving in your messages and actions. It seems as though you are avoiding me. It's something I should be grateful for, but why am I feeling unbearable? I want you to show me more care and attention, but at the same time, I don't want to fall deeper into this endless pit.

Though things are not the same as before, would it be even more awkward if I made the brave move of leaving? Will it still be the same? I don't even know anymore... it's a dilemma.

#2: 22nd January 2019
You make my mind in a whirl. You treat me as transparent at first but then slowly suddenly reciprocate some of my actions. I have been really bold in my actions, trying not to lose you that quickly. You have not been reciprocating and it really shows.

2020 IN WORDS .

Yet another year has flown by, this year just feels exceptionally fast, with the pandemic and the changing new normalcy of life, 2020 was like a fever dream. Not sure if there is anything much to talk about my year per say, it was mostly just juggling the new normal while trying to survive school life. Entering the second year of university life, and finishing two semesters this year in the midst of the pandemic felt like something that was challenging but now looking back, how did I even manage to handle all that?

This year saw a huge change in most of our lives because of the pandemic situation all around the world. Starting from January even, was supposed to see Taeyeon in Singapore for her concert in February but was cancelled due to COVID-19 concerns all over the world. Who knew that this pandemic would have caused so much changes to our life, changing the way we live each day which eventually became a habit as time went by. New cultures and practices of digitalization was also rapidly growing - classes turning to online methods, zoom chatting with friends during circuit breaker period, increased usage of online shopping and delivery platforms, all of these had made us all more dependable on technology, which is also a good thing as we learn to manage and seek new ways to continue our way of life with minimal disruptions. 

MALACCA TRIP'19

Went on my final overseas trip right before COVID-19 happened to Malacca over the December holidays last year! This was quite an impromptu family trip as I somewhat recall only making arrangements and bookings for it like few weeks prior to the trip. This was also a trip which I planned and made the bookings myself and even planned the rough itinerary for the family with a powerpoint presentation LOL.

Though it was just a short 3D2N trip to Malacca, it was a fascinating one for me as I don't recall going to Malacca before in my life, though my parents said I have went when I was really young. Nonetheless, I really love the rustic street vibes filed with cultural elements in Malacca which was really interesting. 

We took a coach to Malacca from Kovan (really convenient for us) and the ride was about 3 hours? Really long yet comfy ride (literally can watch a movie) and there was also a stopover at Yong Peng Rest stop for a quick rest. 

TAIWAN TRIP'19: TAKE US TO TAIPEI, TAIWAN

The travel trip to Taiwan last July 2019 was probably the longest I have been abroad (it was a 8D7N trip!!) + also the furthest I have travelled to + first time travelling with friends!! It was a trip that I was looking forward to, as it was also like a trip in conjunction with my ORD and it feels really special that I get to travel with my friends from my unit, making it even more memorable.

Of course, this was a trip which we planned rather last minute iirc, like we only booked our Airbnb accoms and flight tickets only about a month before departure, and we didn't really exactly plan our itinerary though we have a few places we wanted to go and we kind of decided which day we should go, but it was a mostly schedule-free trip where we get to decide impromptu what we want to do and go, which was a charm of the trip itself. Of course, 8 days was actually a long trip for just being in Taipei - we did not get to explore other parts of Taiwan, but we did had our own healing times through the trip which made the 8 days worthwhile.

DAY 1 (11 JULY 2019) - Arrival in Taipei, Checked in Airbnb, Ximending Night Market

The flight to Taipei was about four to five hours and as we did not want to waste our first day and have some time to explore, we booked an early 6am morning flight, reaching Taipei around 11-12 just in time for lunch. We had a quick lunch at one of the local eateries at the metro station and then proceeded towards Jiang Zi Cui, which was where our Airbnb was at, which was pretty good I would say, for our large group of 7 people. 

CRUISE TRIP'19: PENANG & LANGAWI

It's the semester break now and finally having some time to sort and organise my media gallery (my phone had like 57k photos and videos to be cleared and back-up) and so I remembered I haven't really blogged about my travel trips last year....it was such a hectic year that my last travel post was 2018. So, I guess I will finally have some time now to sit down to properly draft out and blog about my travel trips last year in 2019, especially since most of us don't get to travel out this year due to the pandemic. Nonetheless, it's nice to reminisce and look back at the memories next time so I hope I can remember what I did from last year (close to two years since the year is coming to an end soon welps)

So I went on a short 4D3N cruise getaway onboard Dream Cruises in April 2019, just right after the seniors ORD chalet - I realised I have always been travelling right after every batch of ORD celebration LOL). Honestly this was also quite an impromtu trip as I remember only booking it like a month or two prior to departure. Nonetheless it was a great short getaway from the busy mundane unit life back then, and a great break for myself especially, after planning the final ORD chalet for the seniors. It has honestly been soooo long since I went on a cruise, I think the last time was in primary school? And this time we have decided to cruise to have two short day stopovers in Langawi and Penang, which I do not have recollection going to as a child, but apparently I did.